At a time when I was dealing with several complicated relationships, Dr.
Audrey Davidheiser invited me to be part of the launch team for her book, Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. It was a good time for this book and I to meet. Unfortunately, it also meant that a lot of my
energy was being used by those complicated relationships, so I am posting my review of Dr. Davidheiser’s book later than planned. I trust that God’s divine sense of timing will bring this review into your life at the right time, just as the book was brought to me!

Christians often struggle with relationships. After all, the Bible describes selfless and intentional community among the earliest groups of Jesus-followers. Very few congregations today can say that they completely reflect the image of church presented in the Acts of the Apostles. Many Christians believe they are supposed to behave a certain way because they’re expected to be “nice.” But what does “nice” mean? How are disagreements handled when the value regarded most highly in a community is nice-ness?

My undergraduate major was in psychology. I’ve found a disturbing amount of misunderstanding and ignorance of psychological concepts among church professionals. Surviving Difficult People is refreshing in its use of scholarship and proven mental health tactics, while also being unapologetically Christian. Proverbs 16:32 is the guiding verse for the author’s solution to difficult people, and is supported by psychological methods throughout the book. Dr. Davidheiser makes extensive use of Internal Family Systems, which seems to be particularly appropriate for faith-based settings.

Dr. Davidheiser’s book addresses ongoing relationships, not one-time snubs. She acknowledges that praying for reconciliation can be helpful – but as we wait for the answer to our prayer, we may still need to finish our team work project or attend the school play. In that case, how do we proceed to co-exist with the difficult people we cannot easily avoid?

In Chapter 3, you’ll find a helpful exercise for beginning to understand the difficult people in your life and how to empathize with them. More helpful for me, however, is this quote from Chapter 5: “Because managing oneself always exerts more effort that controlling someone else, most would rather take the easy road and control another instead of themselves.” The person I envisioned in the Chapter 3 exercise is emotionally and verbally abuse to family members. Realizing that controlling other people can be easier than self-control helps me to better understand this person. That doesn’t mean I agree with their behavior – I don’t. But I have a better context in which to put it.

One of the most important aspects of this book, I believe, is Dr. Davidheiser’s reflection on reconciling with difficult people. Christian leaders over the years have preached the harmful message of reconciliation at all costs, including the cost of one’s own safety, dignity, and personhood. Surviving Difficult People recognizes the importance of reconciliation, and also the reality that it may not always be possible. This is a refreshing message to hear from a Christian psychologist.

Any criticisms of this book? There are many Scripture references, and if you’re the kind of person who wants to see the verse in context, you should probably read this book with a Bible or Bible app nearby. That’s not a shortcoming, just a reality. Also, the author and I are from different branches of Christianity. She uses exclusively male pronouns for God, which is not how I understand God, nor do many of my close friends and colleagues. Yet, I find her psychological analyses of relationships to be more helpful than those of many of the people within my own faith community. Overall, I believe this book is useful, offers meaningful insights, and can be understood by anyone with a basic understanding or appreciation of Christianity. I hope that it will be helpful to many people, and I hope that Dr. Davidheiser will have some follow-up writings for those of us looking for more!